To Be With You

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I feel safe with you.

You make me feel stronger.

You pushed me to want to live a little bit longer.

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Starlight Kiss

Join me, let’s fall into the infinite stars.

Only you and I, sinking into the cosmos.

Eyes like the Milky Way, fixated on each other.

Love; the constantly expanding universe.

Testing; 1, 2, 3 

Why do I have to be the strong one? 

When is it my time to cry? 

Empathy and fear of egostical values are my restraints 

I am so tired, I wish it were logical to lay down and die 

Please isolate me until this over

I am sick of the optimism card, and excusing my hurt to define strength 

I thought this was over.
I thought this was over.

Loving Hard 

I remember feeling small, and too tired to be terrified. The air was humid, the night silent, and our sweaty legs were touching.

Never have I been more vulnerable in front of you, or even myself. My body was filled with antidepressants, making my entire vessel jerk.

I felt hurt. No one hurt me, I was hurting others. In that time of fighting off medications, seizure episodes and my own self, I was still hurting for other people. I love too hard.

I felt scared, because none of the feelings in that moment were familiar. Still, you held me. You held me so close, I could feel your heart beating. –

Because of all this, I started to share my world with you.

Now, you are my world.

Allowing Yourself To Love

I used to count every square on the ceiling to block out my parents screaming 

Even at six , I knew it was not right 

I remember finding out how to describe the feeling; “Toxic” and I never wanted that. “Toxic” is what held me back.
I recall my grandma crying over a casket, I have never witnessed such love and loss. Her body shook, her eyes were foggy, and she could not help but repeat his voice. The thought of losing something so special held me back. I didn’t want that 

There was a time where I let myself fall, it was time to stop being scared, I was missing out, but this love was not what I wanted to feel.  I cried until I felt like vomiting, I shook more than I would when cold, I silently begged for help, and I have never felt so stuck.

When that was over, I thought everything else was as well. I didn’t think it was worth it, the pain. Until I felt a spark, the real kind. The real and authentic love people write about. I could lose everything , but still have the world, because I am in love. Love developed by raw emotion, truth, and respect. I feel warm all of the time, even during my darkest time. Sometimes , I can’t fathom how lucky I am to have such a beautiful thing with a beautiful soul.
If you truly want love, there is sacrifice. I will have you know, love is the best thing I have ever sacrificed for. I brought myself to the state where I could believe and allow myself to feel this. 

It is all worth it, all types of love. I wish nothing else but for other people to feel it every day. 

The Year of Love and Destruction

Finally, the year comes to an end. A year full of days in bed, panic attacks, and compulsive crying.

A year full of demons, and empathizing for everyone but myself, because I know that I am not the only one struggling.

A year I never thought would end before I were to end it myself.

What overruns these feelings? The immense amount of love I was able to feel. I found love after through the phase of hell trying to keep myself from wanting to die. I battled those demons, and found love through the fear. Each tear was worth the love I have felt. I even found love with someone else.

Sometimes you have to let the familiar crumble, knock down walls, and even stand back and watch it all burn. This is the first step to growing, confronting your emotions, and complete ego destruction. The incredible pain you feel during the process is a sacrifice for love.

So much love, it is hardly comprehensible.

Reflecting, I run through flashes of memories appearing in my imagination. The feelings they brought me have shown me how to want to live, and the life I live now is more than beautiful.

The outside world is getting dangerous, and everyone is going numb. Yet, in the end; it is all about the within.

Rooftop Thoughts

 

rooftop, snow, and winter image

The sky was attractive tonight. When I looked up into the overcast, I think that I see a star!

It was not a star, just a plane. How unfortunate, but at least I had my moment. Everything is sort of staged anyways, right?

The trees were dope too, I like how the moonlight distorts them.

I just sat there with my green, gazing from the rooftop.

The music in my ears was good too; “My Morning Jacket”. I am pretty sure the world is ending, and that I am going to go with it, but I am okay with that.

Sonder

I am sorry,

Stranger passing by-

The streets are damp 

The city is loud

Everyone looks gray 

Yet, our eyes still meet
I am sorry, stranger 

Who’s eyes are as sad as mine 

Are you wondering too?

Wondering what could be troubling me too?
Stranger, person passing by;

Do my eyes also make you question this sonder feeling?
I am sorry, stranger 

For all of the wrong situations you will meet 
I am sorry, friend 

I should have said “hello”

I am sure you can resonate 

With this world being gray to you, too. 

Simple Complexity 

 At the mark of 4:36pm, I wake up from a three hour nap. I lay still in my bed, knees to chest as I continue to tell myself I am going to get up, while it gradually gets darker outside. The spot of light projecting onto my heavy blankets slowly depletes as I remember my reason to nap in the first place.

What a cold, but beautiful morning it was. I love waking up to the person I love. I skipped the gym to get a coffee and soup with a friend, I even enjoyed the jazzy Christmas music in the Café. 

When I return home, I sit in silence before receiving a phone call from a close friend. My main focus is typically others well-being in conversation, making me unprepared for his simple question of; “are you okay?”. Supposedly, I sounded “off”.

Of course I am, but I cried anyway, and explained that I only needed to push the anxiousness away in this moment, it serves no purpose. 

I ended the phone call to have my four minutes of tears and began emerging into the thoughts of; “Maybe I am just on this earth to feel these things and educate.” 

Maybe so, but I caught myself anyways. I will never let these feelings and thoughts consume my life ever again, but I have to acknowledge them. 

The hard truth is, these are a variety of symptoms I live with, and must learn how to coexist with them.

Of course, panic strikes me when these emotions resurface. Though, I know that it is normal. Maybe not compared to other individuals lives, but my own. Maybe it does make me feel “strange” or look “strange” as an individual, but the important thing is that overall, aside from mental-illness-ick beyond my control, I am incredibly happy.