The Basement

I remember having just below underage sex. My heart ran rampant in my chest.

It wasn’t my first, but I had wished it was.

In fact; every sexual encounter after my “first”, I wanted it to be my first. Every kiss with a drop of sweat, each stroke on my upper thigh, and every panic I felt when I was left alone.

Advertisements

Sheer

Do you ever feel like you are suffocating?
Do you ever misconstrue an overwhelming feeling?

I do. I feel like I am suffocating.  I have spent hours pondering the source.

Happiness is suffocating me, I am completely engulfed. I could not ask for more.

Happiness is suffocating me, because I am using it to repress the familiar racing heart-beat. In this moment, I am fighting thoughts and anxieties that are not true.

Without this happiness, I am positive I would not be able to fight this war. If I did not have the time to collect myself quickly to resume battle, I would not be here.

But, I am beginning to wonder if I am being too optimistic. I am wondering if I am supposed to allow myself to feel these things, even if they are untrue. Is there only choosing one or the other, or is there a gray line in-between?

I was fine, I am fine. Though I am suffocating, too.

The Fear of Fear

we.gif

 

I have seen this bedroom go through so much shit.
A lot of tears, friends, laughing fits, and falling in love.
Our first kiss with meaning, and the first time I made love.

 

Life feels endless sometimes. I fall in love with these moments the most, because I fear their end.
I fear not being able to feel all that I am destined to feel in this life. Though, If I were to die tomorrow, I would still be able to say; “I have felt it all.”

Relentlessly

I just want to break a sweat from picking your dirty laundry up off the floor.

I want to hear your breathing change as you fall asleep, every night.

Your eyes are the first thing that I see in the morning, holding my world before me. Somehow, yours are always opened first.

I want every love song to be our anthem.

I want to continue to create our constantly changing lives, together.

We are a team, a damn good one.

I want to enjoy the morning fog with you, sitting on the porch swing. Maybe you will start drinking coffee by then , ceramic cup clasped in one hand, and your other intertwined with my own.

My heart is full with love, and my thoughts are filled with you.

There is no place I would not go without you.

I will always love you, relentlessly.

Testing; 1, 2, 3 

Why do I have to be the strong one? 

When is it my time to cry? 

Empathy and fear of egostical values are my restraints 

I am so tired, I wish it were logical to lay down and die 

Please isolate me until this over

I am sick of the optimism card, and excusing my hurt to define strength 

I thought this was over.
I thought this was over.

Loving Hard 

I remember feeling small, and too tired to be terrified. The air was humid, the night silent, and our sweaty legs were touching.

Never have I been more vulnerable in front of you, or even myself. My body was filled with antidepressants, making my entire vessel jerk.

I felt hurt. No one hurt me, I was hurting others. In that time of fighting off medications, seizure episodes and my own self, I was still hurting for other people. I love too hard.

I felt scared, because none of the feelings in that moment were familiar. Still, you held me. You held me so close, I could feel your heart beating. –

Because of all this, I started to share my world with you.

Now, you are my world.

Allowing Yourself To Love

I used to count every square on the ceiling to block out my parents screaming 

Even at six , I knew it was not right 

I remember finding out how to describe the feeling; “Toxic” and I never wanted that. “Toxic” is what held me back.
I recall my grandma crying over a casket, I have never witnessed such love and loss. Her body shook, her eyes were foggy, and she could not help but repeat his voice. The thought of losing something so special held me back. I didn’t want that 

There was a time where I let myself fall, it was time to stop being scared, I was missing out, but this love was not what I wanted to feel.  I cried until I felt like vomiting, I shook more than I would when cold, I silently begged for help, and I have never felt so stuck.

When that was over, I thought everything else was as well. I didn’t think it was worth it, the pain. Until I felt a spark, the real kind. The real and authentic love people write about. I could lose everything , but still have the world, because I am in love. Love developed by raw emotion, truth, and respect. I feel warm all of the time, even during my darkest time. Sometimes , I can’t fathom how lucky I am to have such a beautiful thing with a beautiful soul.
If you truly want love, there is sacrifice. I will have you know, love is the best thing I have ever sacrificed for. I brought myself to the state where I could believe and allow myself to feel this. 

It is all worth it, all types of love. I wish nothing else but for other people to feel it every day. 

The Year of Love and Destruction

Finally, the year comes to an end. A year full of days in bed, panic attacks, and compulsive crying.

A year full of demons, and empathizing for everyone but myself, because I know that I am not the only one struggling.

A year I never thought would end before I were to end it myself.

What overruns these feelings? The immense amount of love I was able to feel. I found love after through the phase of hell trying to keep myself from wanting to die. I battled those demons, and found love through the fear. Each tear was worth the love I have felt. I even found love with someone else.

Sometimes you have to let the familiar crumble, knock down walls, and even stand back and watch it all burn. This is the first step to growing, confronting your emotions, and complete ego destruction. The incredible pain you feel during the process is a sacrifice for love.

So much love, it is hardly comprehensible.

Reflecting, I run through flashes of memories appearing in my imagination. The feelings they brought me have shown me how to want to live, and the life I live now is more than beautiful.

The outside world is getting dangerous, and everyone is going numb. Yet, in the end; it is all about the within.