I used to count every square on the ceiling to block out my parents screaming
Even at six , I knew it was not right
I remember finding out how to describe the feeling; “Toxic” and I never wanted that. “Toxic” is what held me back.
I recall my grandma crying over a casket, I have never witnessed such love and loss. Her body shook, her eyes were foggy, and she could not help but repeat his voice. The thought of losing something so special held me back. I didn’t want that
There was a time where I let myself fall, it was time to stop being scared, I was missing out, but this love was not what I wanted to feel. I cried until I felt like vomiting, I shook more than I would when cold, I silently begged for help, and I have never felt so stuck.
When that was over, I thought everything else was as well. I didn’t think it was worth it, the pain. Until I felt a spark, the real kind. The real and authentic love people write about. I could lose everything , but still have the world, because I am in love. Love developed by raw emotion, truth, and respect. I feel warm all of the time, even during my darkest time. Sometimes , I can’t fathom how lucky I am to have such a beautiful thing with a beautiful soul.
If you truly want love, there is sacrifice. I will have you know, love is the best thing I have ever sacrificed for. I brought myself to the state where I could believe and allow myself to feel this.
It is all worth it, all types of love. I wish nothing else but for other people to feel it every day.