It feels as if I’m stuck inside of unbreakable walls of glass in a maze that has multiple ways to end up but there is no exit.
It’s not constant, I have the ability and the intent to feel happy and I do try to embrace that fact but frequently, very frequently, my “lax” personality is thrown out of balance because of my own-
I’m walking down the rows of glass walls and I’m at ease, a neutral state. Comfortable? No, of course not, but I’m neutral. Then, something intervenes with that, even something that may seem so little to others can rattle my thinking.
Next thing I know; My palms are sweaty, I’m shaking, and I’m stumbling over my own words and of course once I notice it; I start to freak out because of the fact that I’m already having a full-blown anxiety attack.
Why won’t the glass break? It’s because I’m weak, isn’t it? It’s because I’m weak.
Once I reach reality again (via isolation), I get back into my little glass house again, completely neutral .
Each new experience of me wanting to break the glass but only seeing it cracking makes it harder to deal with myself, my own mind. I’m working on finding what works for me but the process is maddening, it’s too damn long and it’s constantly changing. Each time, it gets harder. And each time, the sound provoking me to break the glass only gets louder and louder. Self doubt sinks in with a tapping noise, audible enough only to spark interest at first.
Just begging for me to let the frustration out but I fight it each time it comes back.
But it only gets louder.