It Only Gets LOUDER

It feels as if I’m stuck inside of unbreakable walls of glass in a maze that has multiple ways to end up but there is no exit.

It’s not constant, I have the ability and the intent to feel happy and I do try to embrace that fact but frequently, very frequently, my “lax” personality is thrown out of balance because of my own-

damn

mind.

I’m walking down the rows of glass walls and I’m at ease, a neutral state. Comfortable? No, of course not, but I’m neutral. Then, something intervenes with that, even something that may seem so little to others can rattle my thinking.

Next thing I know; My palms are sweaty, I’m shaking, and I’m stumbling over my own words and of course once I notice it; I start to freak out because of the fact that I’m already having a full-blown anxiety attack. 

Why won’t the glass break? It’s because I’m weak, isn’t it? It’s because I’m weak.

Once I reach reality again (via isolation), I get back into my little glass house again, completely neutral .

Each new experience of me wanting to break the glass but only seeing it cracking makes it harder to deal with myself, my own mind. I’m working on finding what works for me but the process is maddening, it’s too damn long and it’s constantly changing. Each time, it gets harder. And each time, the sound provoking me to break the glass only gets louder and louder. Self doubt sinks in with a tapping noise, audible enough only to spark interest at first.

Tap..tap..tap-tap…tap

Just begging for me to let the frustration out but I fight it each time it comes back.

Tap..tap..tap-tap…tap

But it only gets louder.

Muddy Shoes

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The Earth is a place that holds incredible beauty within it, it’s truly a blessing. There’s much to see; Oceans to swim in, forests to run through and many mountains to climb. The people here are nice too, meeting a new face is never a drag. Though living may come with the sense of adventure, it also comes with the sense of fear. The fear of life is what is holding you back from living it.

There’s far too much beauty in life for you to be afraid of anything. Even if your palms get sweaty and your heart won’t stop racing, go out and see the world because life adventures are worth getting your shoes a little muddy.

The Meadow

 

I had a daydream that we picked Daisies in a meadow
Not worrying about a thing because our minds are too free
We carved our names into a tree
You plus Me
I had a dream that you and I
Had the ability to fly
Above the clouds to forget what is on the ground
I had a dream that our desire to die was all a lie because;
All we need is each other.

The Reason You Might Not Get It

Most of you readers are most likely able to relate to what I’m about to lay out on you folks.

Recently, it seems like whenever you have some sort of transition in life or change, there’s always a select few who don’t transition along with you and then judge you on your recent differences.

Now, I’m not saying that these people are stupid, but I am saying that they’re ignorant.

Maybe before judging someones changes,  you could possibly ask the person what’s been happening in life. Maybe the change in behavior isn’t because of bad influence but because the hurt in life made the person grow, maybe that’s a possibility of why it seems that they’ve changed. Maybe, just MAYBE you could possibly evaluate if the change is good or bad by taking the time to care to look into it. The main reason you might not get why I am the way I am, why I react in certain ways, or why my behavior different; is because you don’t know me anymore.

To the people with this struggle of being judged by the people you love and care about; I know that it hurts, no matter how much you try to fix things, how the person is judging you is a reflection of themselves.

To the people who tend to judge too quickly, you could express how much you care by taking the time to understand instead of assuming.

By the end of the day, as long as you’re being self-aware and happy with yourself, that’s all that matters. What you can’t change, accept.

Life has the ability to make you feel like your whole world is falling apart. Most things are meant to, but only to leave you room to rebuild.

The Idea of Love

ggg

The relationship that one’s self has with love is a matter of perspective. Some are firm believers and some allowed the world to make them grow cold, giving up the aspect of believing in the matter. In my case, I’m in love with the idea of love.

The broken relationships around me and toxic pairs I’ve witnessed could have discouraged me from the whole idea. The heartbreak I’ve went through on my own certainly could have made me a non believer too. Luckily, I have too much desire to fall in love rather than letting my heart wither away and fade into my core.

Love isn’t some materialistic thing or social status. Love isn’t just physical attraction either. It’s not about how many times he compliments your butt, no matter how bootylicious it may be. It’s not about the gifts, the social media posts, the dates or the amount of times that he calls you a pet name.

Love is when you’re in the car and glance over at the other person snoring against the window and squeeze their hand, just to see them smile. Love is when you’re not afraid to tell the other person about your passion for life and it’s aspects. It’s when you’re completely comfortable enough to tell your story to the other person. It’s when the fear of trusting someone is out the window. It’s when the indescribable feeling that overcomes you doesn’t allow you to develop words, the only way to fill in the spaces of those words is to kiss. Love is when you realize the imperfections and communicate about them instead of starting a fight because you care so much about each other that the last thing you want to do is give up and walk away.

I want to hold hands in the car, slow dance in the kitchen, kiss under the stars on the beach, go camping in the mountains, I want to slow dance to my wedding song under a canopy of Christmas lights and wake up to someone who’s thinking the same thing as I am; “How did I get this lucky?” I know that these things sound far-fetched and romance novel material but it’s not these things actually happening that just matter but the feeling of these things.

In order to fall in love, you have to be vulnerable. Though, with vulnerability comes the possible outcome of heartbreak. Break down your walls but be prepared for the chance of consequences. Never give up.

Your heart can break a million times but there’s always time to heal. Do not let fear steer you away from the chance of a lifetime.

Love is the key to self-destruction but it’s also one of the most rewarding feelings you could ever have in your lifetime. If witnessing heartbreak and confusion are only obstacles to finding love, then I’m willing to destroy myself completely.

I Hate Bowling

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But really, I seriously do hate bowling.

Over this past weekend, some old friends asked me to join them to go bowling. Unfortunately, they caught me on one of the worst days possible. Irritable and deep in the blues. So, of course I have absolutely no motivation to go, even though I love them to death

I knew that if I didn’t go, I would feel extremely terrible about it. Then again, I was also afraid that if I did go, I would look like a complete jerk because I was forcing myself to actually go out, even though there’s a chance of a good time.

I had a meltdown over the fact that I had to build motivation to leave the house and also because I was having the debate in the first place.

Luckily, I have some pretty great friends. I simply told them how I felt but they were persistent on the matter and helped me get out of the house.

I cured my hunger with a cheeseburger while I sat back and watched them bowl, their laughs that I missed made me a happier person and I’m thankful for that. I’m grateful to have people in my life that are patient enough to help me through whatever I’m feeling.

Life is better with friends.

Netflix List for The Indecisive

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Nothing is better than being able to wake up in the morning to make yourself some ridiculously sugary cereal to bring to bed for some “Netflix and Chill” time.

If you’re anything like me, deciding on one series to binge watch is one of the hardest decisions in your daily life. (Tragic, I know). There’s too many options! Do I feel like watching something super dramatic and crying all day? Or do I feel like getting into gore and action to long for a more extreme life? I mean, honestly, it’s too damn hard to decide on one. As a result, the Netflix session begins with movies rated lower than they should be. To bring justice to the fantastic films I’ve watched, I’ve made a list for you avid Netflix bingers;

  • How I live Now; This is one of the films that strongly shows character changes and expresses possible drastic changes within the economic world. The main character is a young girl that travels from The U.S to the countryside of London to visit her cousins she’s never met before on her father’s behalf. (Mega daddy issues). Even though everything about where she starts to live is beautiful, it takes awhile for her to start enjoying it until she begins to fall in love. Everything is super chill and uplifting and finally things begin to look up for her, until signs of World War Three start to appear..
  • Short Term 12; In the mood to have your heart ripped into a million pieces? This is just the Indie film for you! Follow the lives of two caretakers of children who are in-and-out of the adoption system. While you observe how passionate the two characters are about caring about the children, you start to see how greatly their experiences working start to unravel truths about the characters selves. Experience the enjoyment of watching the two understand their own suppressed emotions while trying to build an okay relationship with life..
  • Silver Linings Playbook; Starring the beautiful Jennifer Lawrence and incredibly dreamy Bradley Cooper, the film lives up to the expectations of how great the novel was. This is a story about a man and a woman who are both a little crazy in their own way  trying to better themselves. When they collide worlds, things get interesting. Watching two crazy people trying to convince the other that they’re the crazy one isn’t just entertaining, but it also turns into a bit of romance. Which is always great. I promise you that this movie will inspire you to be more positive in life and will absolutely make you laugh at the irony of it as well.
  • Stonehearst Asylum; In the mood for something incredibly dark? Well, friend, it doesn’t get any darker than this. When it comes to horror and thrillers, there are key aspects that must be there to make it really great without making it look cheap. Not only is the cast filled with your favorite great actors and actresses, the filming and scenery totally helps make the film reach to its full potential. The plot is dark with many twists that are sure to make you drop “The F-bomb” a couple of times. I highly encourage you to watch this if you’re into the Victorian look and scary, bald antagonists that are sure to make you cringe with fear and possible anger.
  • My Girl; This is a classic film from 1991 that I’m sure many of you readers have watched but for those who haven’t, you’re missing out! This is a story about a young girl who and her incredible bond with her best friend (who may or may not have a crush on her). Aside from the movies main idea being friendship, it also shows the process of her understanding death and bits and pieces of puberty , being a morticians daughter without a mother. The story of her and even the ending itself will leave you speechless.
  • Stuck in Love; A story of a novelist who’s convinced that his ex-wife is going to come back to him and his two children. His son experiences young love with a broken girl as his older sister, who is convinced that love isn’t what it’s cut out to be, starts to do what she always told herself not to do; fall in love. Yes, I know, it sounds cheesy but it’s incredibly inspiring.
  • Why Stop Now; Starring Jesse Eisenberg, a pianist prodigy who spends most of his time trying to help his cocaine-addict mother keep her life together only to try to subconsciously avoid making himself happy. It’s sure to make you laugh but the simple meaning behind it all will also surely make your heart sting.
Well, good luck trying not to cry.

Open Doors.

imagePeople come and people go, but I’ve fallen in love with the ones who decide to say.

Over the past six months, things have changed incredibly fast, something I hate to admit that I’m not very good at dealing with but luckily, I had a little help from my friends.

It’s a part of life, people coming in and out of your life, sometimes leaving scars on your heart. Though, wounds heal with time and so can you. Rather than holding a grudge, think of your experiences with people who have left as life lessons and remember that there were good times. It’s not always a huge fallout with people, sometimes people drift apart and that’s okay but those people will never fade into just a memory in my mind.

Though I am sad to see people go, it’s another door for someone else to walk into. I am happy that I kept that door open because I’ve connected with some amazing people.

My very best friend left on a journey to make herself happy, which is brave and fantastic to me but I temporarily lost the one person I felt I could confide in, until I met Ben; the kid with great fashion sense and a great sense of humor. I made a new best friend.

Ben has seen me throw little fits of frustration, he’s witnessed me cry, he’s seen me feel like I’m queen of the world. But most importantly, he was there through it all and didn’t give up on me and Ben, I can’t thank you enough for that.

It’s amazing what the universe can bring to you in your time of need if you just let it happen.

Journeys with friends I’ve had ended but new ones have started and that’s something that I can be happy with. I can deal with the pain of loss if it means I can gain something incredibly amazing.

 

The Beginning.

Recently, I’ve been having self realizations that  I have been making a subconscious effort to suppress. As much as I would love to blame the world or people around me for the self-doubt that I’ve discovered, it all comes back to being my own doing.

The problem is, I may be too hard on myself; so I’ve been told. It’s debatable to me because I don’t want to be the bad guy, self-centered, stuck in denial about how much of a crappy person I am. This leads to me comparing myself to others and blaming my flaws on the “fact” that I’m no good at anything that is important. I set desired expectations that are based on what other people tell me is best for me. This could be mistaken for looking for outside of approval but it is hard to tell because I know that the people who care about me want the best for me and again; I don’t want to be that person who thinks they have it together but is actually on a downward spiral. When I don’t meet these expectations; that’s when I get too hard on myself. I know that my parents, even if they don’t say it aloud, I know that they want me to go to college, start a career, make a life for myself and maybe even settle down because, well, isn’t that what life is about? Isn’t it a fact that if I don’t follow these expectations, I won’t ever have what society defines “successful”? Isn’t it a fact that if I don’t make money, I won’t have happiness? I want to say no and I want to listen to the part of me that wants to live a Gypsy-like lifestyle, doing what I love and traveling to places I want to see because that’s what I know will truly make me happy.

This debate makes it hard to decide what kind of life I want. I don’t want to be a disappointment but I also don’t want to be living a lie. I love to see when others around me are happy, I truly do. But it upsets me when I realize that I’m just not “cut out” for the life that they live. It upsets me when I feel like I’m letting the two people who I want approval from down. It’s discouraging, you know?-when all you want to do is make the ones you love happy while trying to focus on yourself without feeling selfish and without feeling like you’re going in the wrong direction.

It hurts when you realize that the thoughts of other people doubting you are actually just a reflection upon yourself..

I’m struggling with self-doubt, and I know I’m not alone. I see part of the problem and I want to fix it instead of becoming bitter but as of right now, I’m not sure where to start. I’m hoping this helps.

This is the start to helping myself, hang in there with me because it may get interesting.