Recently, I’ve been having self realizations that I have been making a subconscious effort to suppress. As much as I would love to blame the world or people around me for the self-doubt that I’ve discovered, it all comes back to being my own doing.
The problem is, I may be too hard on myself; so I’ve been told. It’s debatable to me because I don’t want to be the bad guy, self-centered, stuck in denial about how much of a crappy person I am. This leads to me comparing myself to others and blaming my flaws on the “fact” that I’m no good at anything that is important. I set desired expectations that are based on what other people tell me is best for me. This could be mistaken for looking for outside of approval but it is hard to tell because I know that the people who care about me want the best for me and again; I don’t want to be that person who thinks they have it together but is actually on a downward spiral. When I don’t meet these expectations; that’s when I get too hard on myself. I know that my parents, even if they don’t say it aloud, I know that they want me to go to college, start a career, make a life for myself and maybe even settle down because, well, isn’t that what life is about? Isn’t it a fact that if I don’t follow these expectations, I won’t ever have what society defines “successful”? Isn’t it a fact that if I don’t make money, I won’t have happiness? I want to say no and I want to listen to the part of me that wants to live a Gypsy-like lifestyle, doing what I love and traveling to places I want to see because that’s what I know will truly make me happy.
This debate makes it hard to decide what kind of life I want. I don’t want to be a disappointment but I also don’t want to be living a lie. I love to see when others around me are happy, I truly do. But it upsets me when I realize that I’m just not “cut out” for the life that they live. It upsets me when I feel like I’m letting the two people who I want approval from down. It’s discouraging, you know?-when all you want to do is make the ones you love happy while trying to focus on yourself without feeling selfish and without feeling like you’re going in the wrong direction.
It hurts when you realize that the thoughts of other people doubting you are actually just a reflection upon yourself..
I’m struggling with self-doubt, and I know I’m not alone. I see part of the problem and I want to fix it instead of becoming bitter but as of right now, I’m not sure where to start. I’m hoping this helps.
This is the start to helping myself, hang in there with me because it may get interesting.