Timeless

My room is covered in concert posters, books and pictures from the past. The atmosphere soothes me when I am alone, but it could use one more thing. Something that I have so much want for-I can almost say that I need it.

I want someone sitting in front of me, in the middle of my bed, white Christmas lights illuminating the side of their face. Music plays in the background. Lyrics turn into muffled sounds because I’m drowning in their eyes. Words, words, and words spew from our mouths, sharing ideas and thoughts. Time starts to fade from existence because it’s the only thing we are afraid to lose.

I want my hair tucked behind my ear, and I want to mean; “I love you”.

I want to allow myself to feel for someone so deeply-time begins to stop.

I want what is missing, I want it to last. I want someone who makes me want to feel. I do not want my newfound love to become part of the pictures from my past.

Reflection II

I remove what is burning between my lips with two fingers, watching the smoke slowly rise up in front of me and fade as it get’s higher. My back is against the cool brick wall and I can’t help but to stare out into the empty street in front of me, letting my mind wander outside of the ghost town I live in. The more the silence becomes apparent to me; the more lonely I feel. I think of all of the friends that I have made in my transitioned life and wonder why I often feel this way alone. I begin to realize that it isn’t the lack of people around me that is bothering me; it’s the feelings of mine that go unnoticed to myself in between. I then take a step back from questioning my life and instead, question myself. A one on one interview with Myself and I. Why am I so quiet? What happened to the energy, and the smiles? How could I avoid myself completely, because I deserve better than that.

Waves

image

The ocean waves;
They make me nostalgic
I start to miss things;
Things I’ve never had
Places I’ve never been
People I’ve never met
The thoughts bring me
To things;
I rather forget

Honeydew

Pretty girl, pretty girl
It is not fair
The way the sunlight
Weaves through your hair
Your lips are tempting
Your smile is to die for
Your love;
Is something I strive for

Pretty girl
I wish you knew
How sweet your words are
They taste like honeydew
Oh, how your voice fills my air
How your eyes
They put me in a stare

Pretty girl, pretty girl
I wish I could say
How much your being
Takes my breath away

Pretty girl, my love;
What can I do?
I keep getting bruises
Stumbling after you

Where It All Started

I started this blog as a tool to dialog my inner thoughts, feelings, self analyzations and conquering self doubt. Financially and mentally, I wasn’t doing too well a couple of months ago.

I can’t really tell you how the self doubt thing is going but I can say that I’m proud of myself. I have two jobs, one being full time and incredibly stressful. But, I’m making money and my mind is occupied.

Though, my current headspace isn’t well; in a different way. I’m not sure where I got lost along the way, but I feel emotionally out of touch with myself and as if I don’t know what’s happened in the past six months because I’ve been so busy worrying about my physical life and working on fixing it, which I’ve mostly achieved. I also feel like I haven’t been creative enough. When I’m by myself, things just feel…bland. The line between living freely and living “responsibly” is starting to blur because, I don’t know which one makes me more happy. All I want is to be happy. If I can’t tell if I’m happy or not, what am I? Where do I go from here, because I know that I can’t keep ignoring it.

Love Notes

I found a letter today
Someone you once loved wrote;
The same struggles that I am having
Not with you
Not with me
But with “us”
Her head said “leave”
And so did mine
Her heart said “stay”
And so did mine

It was laying next to my note
Simply saying that; I love you
Now I am debating
Debating on writing another one
Another note
About me
Without you