One Love

Fireworks was what it felt like when I kissed you. I like to remember, because it was beautiful, mid-summer. The leaves that swayed were a lively green, and the sky was a special blue. Everything was thriving, especially you and I. We were by the water, holding hands as we watched the waves rush upon the shore to brush the tops of our feet. The sunset illuminated your face, and I took every chance to observe your expression. Your smile was beginning to become to be my world.

You wrap yourself around me, my palm on your cheek. I feel you, and you start to feel me.

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Only A Block Away; The Morning

bed

My sheets are wrinkled like the corner of your eyes when you smile. 

Shades of blue and green gaze at me, as I stare right back at you. I watch you climb out of bed, observing the quick flash of your flesh before you began slipping on your shirt.

It is a beautiful morning, because I know that you are only stepping outside to smoke a cigarette. 

It is a beautiful morning, because I know that you will be spending it with me.

Fear Itself

For years, I’ve been crawling in and out of depression. Each time, I was able to eventually find the root of what was bothering me, but 2016 was different. My first post; “The Beginning” basically summed up how I was feeling near the end of 2015, starting my journey to find what was subconsciously bothering me and finding the actions to tear the walls down. Things are about to get personal, maybe even boring, but you may be able to relate and possibly learn something about yourself.

Since forever living in the place I do now, it’s never felt like home, so I moved back to what was. I was on the move of building myself back up, I loved it. I smiled all of the time, and I felt as if nothing could stand in the way of what I wanted to conquer. Something/Someone was introduced into my life, and it changed me momentarily and as of now, forever.

One of my main problems of what kept me from building my future was the anxiety and second guessing of what I was doing is right or not, influenced by other people. I was aware of the problem, and I decided to start finding a way to take care of it. I felt powerful enough to do it, but then I met someone.

I began to feel crazy, not confident, and it only grew worse as time went on. I let another person make me feel unsure about my life decisions, thoughts, and even my being. I didn’t notice at the time, but I totally shut myself out from everyone who loves me. I talked about what was going on, but I never got deep enough for them to start worrying, even though I should have let them, because I began not caring about the fact that I was worrying about myself and not giving a damn about it. I lost 15 pounds in two months, then I got sad because I thought it was what made people think that I’m pretty..even though I should not have cared. I let another person make me feel as if I was insecure, even though I had the right not to trust. I let another person influence me to be even more afraid than I was before. I found myself seeking a reliant each time I would start to think about how being with this person was wrong, because I loved them incredibly so, and was too emotionally drained to think about it. I was so full of anxiety, my mind had no time to think about how I should be taking care of myself. I realized I was becoming emotionally and spiritually disconnected with myself, which made me extremely upset with myself. How could I let someone make me so weak? How could I let myself allow someone else to do that? Why was I ignoring my being?

As months passed, it grew into a year of increasing depression, I even began to have suicidal thoughts for the first time.I began to stop seeing my therapist because I was in denial that she was right. I thought; I want to disappear. I can’t die, because people love me and I would not want to disappoint. Though, maybe if I were to die, it could move the people I love in some way. Maybe some people aren’t meant to be living, and I was considering myself as one of those people.

I became to realize; In order to reconnect with myself, I have to disconnect with the toxicity, no matter how hard it is. Fear is a barrier to happiness, and I couldn’t let it destroy me, I’m not the kind of person to allow myself to bury myself in a dark part of my brain.

Disregarding what anyone thought, and disregarding my anxious thoughts; I learned that I am strong. I am strong for pushing past the fear to better myself, and taught myself that pain will be and reoccur, but it is only a feeling. I had given myself the strength to break what was breaking me.

I guess that what I’m trying to say is, you should never look at yourself as weak just because it seems like you can’t crawl out of what is stopping you. Grab that fear and crush it, because you are much stronger than fear itself. It is only an illusion. Breaking what was breaking me was one of the things I highly doubted I could do until it crushed me into rubble, but I refused to let myself keep thinking that way.

If I was able to crush that fear that I was so deep in, anyone can.

Roberts Entry; A Very Short Story

Today, I attempted to end my life.  Over the years of growing older, my mind has become a dying routine of  playing pretend each day. 

David drank himself to death on a Wednesday night, his funeral was in the spring and seemed to last a lifetime. It was expected to happen, but the poor bastard was still my only brother. 

Lucy died many years ago, but I still wear my wedding ring 

Sarah and I grew apart, she started to hate her old man. She hasn’t spoken to me since David’s funeral, and I’m beginning to miss my daughter. 

The medicine isn’t working anymore, I’m starting to think it never has and that my happiness was only a pharmaceutical illusion, tricking the chemicals in my brain to believe everything is fine. My thoughts are growing louder, my world is getting smaller, and I am beginning to worry about myself. 

It is 2:50am and I am still battling with the gun in my hand. I have been crying since 9pm, I have given up on sleep.

My Arizona home grew colder, and my heart was becoming more lonely by the day. 

I leaned my head back against the chair, taking deep breaths with my eyes closed. I was waiting for myself to stop being afraid of doing the deed myself. 

My eyes opened and I finally found the courage to follow through. 

The clock read 3am.

My fingers gripped the pistol tighter, but then the phone began to ring. It was strange to get a phone call, mostly at the hour. 

I stand back up to walk to my outdated, cordless phone to hear an angel speak on the other end. 

“Daddy?” The woman spoke; “Daddy, are you there?”

I began to cry again, my hand covering my mouth to mask the weeping that was attempting to escape my lips. It was my daughter, Sarah. 

“-I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”

“S-Sarah, my sweet g-girl.” I wimper.

“Are you okay? Stay on the phone, I’ll be right over.”

We both made it through the four hour drive. We didn’t speak of my condition, only of happy memories we have had together.

Today, I attempted to end my life; until I remembered that there is so much more. 

Winter In Ohio

I can not live another winter in Ohio

Where the harsh wind blows

The leaves rustle;

You hear no sound

Where nights are most silent

The wind in your ears;

It pierces your thoughts

As you begin to realize ;

You are as alone as you think that you are 

I can not live another winter in Ohio

Where I decide to stay in bed

Thoughts crawl in and fester inside of my head

Tears form in my eyes

As I begin to realize

I am as alone as I think I am

Only A Block Away II

han

The pink light illuminates your face
                                 The thing I have been wanting to see all day
Our bodies touch                               Surrounded by music
I could not contain myself
I had a thirst for your kiss                                          So I pulled your lips to mine
       Before our eyes shut;
We observed each others smiles
                     I begin to think; I want you to stay awhile
                                                             Let’s get deep
                                                       Let me inside of your thoughts-Let me retrieve what I seek
Make sure to spare me when you leave.

 

Going Away to College

Going Away to College

There was a cold night, not many years ago. I hope that you remember too. We sat in a cemetery in the middle of a town that we both hate. You would not be home for long, and it was getting late.
I wanted you to stay.
We were able to forget our friendship, the pressure, and the skin we were insecure in. Instead of being touched, I was being loved. Never have I been able to live in one moment for so long. It was unplanned, it was our first time.
My eyes started to close, and you kissed my shoulder blade. You told me you loved me, but you ran away from your feelings instead. 
It was 3am now,  and you were expected to be home. You had to leave, and I watched you slip out of my doorway.
Today, I still can’t help to think of you when the harsh, fall wind blows.

472 Days and Counting; A very short story.

472 Days and Counting

I have spent 472 days behind the steel, paint-chipped bars of my cell. My very cold cell that I have to share with my cell mate, Robert.

One year and 107 days, so far.

The prison guards allow me to have fifteen minutes outside, twice each day. Each  step outside, I’m inhaling the carcinogens of a cigarette. That is two cigarettes each day.

944 cancer sticks behind bars, and they aren’t working.

Television time is allowed during lunch, I am able to fit in at least three episodes of Will and Grace. I fucking hate that show, but it is better than staring at a blank wall.

1,416 episodes of Will and Grace..I think I may stop counting.


It is not only about how many cigarettes I have smoked, or how many episodes of Will and Grace I have watched.

It is about how many days I have been living before my execution.

Thankfully, I am old with no one to miss.

Thankfully, I wish for death every night after closing my eyes to sleep.

Unfortunately, the anticipation is not killing me any faster.

472 days too long.

472 days and counting.

Things Only I Know

long

Shoulders dainty

Hair a golden glow

The freckles on her nose caught my eye

Her lips drew me closer

The star in her eye grew larger, and so did the hole in my heart

I love her so deeply

I long for her when we are apart

I will keep my mouth shut, but I am pulling myself apart

These are only things that I do know

Relapse; A Very Short Story

With shallow breathing, the woman stumbled into the strangers bathroom. She grasped both side edges of the sink to support herself as she studies her face in the mirror.

Staring into her own eyes within her reflection, she could not believe she had let herself fail. She could not believe she let herself give in.

“How am I going to fix this now?” 

She began thinking about her promotion, and how proud it made her to be making more money to raise her daughter. Emily, age five.”

Emily was given back to her two years ago after validating her new-found sobriety.

She’s now disappointing Emily, and Emily’s future. She had missed three of her birthdays, and now she would be missing the next 40.

Lipstick was smeared across her skin, because drugs are not free.

She began to sob uncontrollably, knowing that she was wasting her last few breaths.

“I’ve always been better than this, why am I letting myself lose?”

Suddenly, her legs fell numb and she could not support herself any longer. She couldn’t keep her eyes open, but she was still breathing.

Very slowly.

She knew this was not only an intense high, she knew that this was the end.

A scrawny, stubbly chinned man rushed into the bathroom. He discovered her body on the floor, the stranger brought both of his palms to each side of his head.

“Oh my god. Oh my fucking God.” He screamed, beginning to pace back and forth.

Laying there with her once lively face on the cold tile. Things only began getting colder. She could no longer understand the mans words anymore.

“They told me about this. Yes, I’ve heard of this part. Blue lips, blue nails, short breath, delirium…coma. I’ve heard of these symptoms before. I know what they do. The effects occur when abusing heroin; ‘shooting up’. This is me-“

The woman’s thoughts began to scatter before disappearing.

“It’s permanent. It’s the overdose.”