For years, I’ve been crawling in and out of depression. Each time, I was able to eventually find the root of what was bothering me, but 2016 was different. My first post; “The Beginning” basically summed up how I was feeling near the end of 2015, starting my journey to find what was subconsciously bothering me and finding the actions to tear the walls down. Things are about to get personal, maybe even boring, but you may be able to relate and possibly learn something about yourself.
Since forever living in the place I do now, it’s never felt like home, so I moved back to what was. I was on the move of building myself back up, I loved it. I smiled all of the time, and I felt as if nothing could stand in the way of what I wanted to conquer. Something/Someone was introduced into my life, and it changed me momentarily and as of now, forever.
One of my main problems of what kept me from building my future was the anxiety and second guessing of what I was doing is right or not, influenced by other people. I was aware of the problem, and I decided to start finding a way to take care of it. I felt powerful enough to do it, but then I met someone.
I began to feel crazy, not confident, and it only grew worse as time went on. I let another person make me feel unsure about my life decisions, thoughts, and even my being. I didn’t notice at the time, but I totally shut myself out from everyone who loves me. I talked about what was going on, but I never got deep enough for them to start worrying, even though I should have let them, because I began not caring about the fact that I was worrying about myself and not giving a damn about it. I lost 15 pounds in two months, then I got sad because I thought it was what made people think that I’m pretty..even though I should not have cared. I let another person make me feel as if I was insecure, even though I had the right not to trust. I let another person influence me to be even more afraid than I was before. I found myself seeking a reliant each time I would start to think about how being with this person was wrong, because I loved them incredibly so, and was too emotionally drained to think about it. I was so full of anxiety, my mind had no time to think about how I should be taking care of myself. I realized I was becoming emotionally and spiritually disconnected with myself, which made me extremely upset with myself. How could I let someone make me so weak? How could I let myself allow someone else to do that? Why was I ignoring my being?
As months passed, it grew into a year of increasing depression, I even began to have suicidal thoughts for the first time.I began to stop seeing my therapist because I was in denial that she was right. I thought; I want to disappear. I can’t die, because people love me and I would not want to disappoint. Though, maybe if I were to die, it could move the people I love in some way. Maybe some people aren’t meant to be living, and I was considering myself as one of those people.
I became to realize; In order to reconnect with myself, I have to disconnect with the toxicity, no matter how hard it is. Fear is a barrier to happiness, and I couldn’t let it destroy me, I’m not the kind of person to allow myself to bury myself in a dark part of my brain.
Disregarding what anyone thought, and disregarding my anxious thoughts; I learned that I am strong. I am strong for pushing past the fear to better myself, and taught myself that pain will be and reoccur, but it is only a feeling. I had given myself the strength to break what was breaking me.
I guess that what I’m trying to say is, you should never look at yourself as weak just because it seems like you can’t crawl out of what is stopping you. Grab that fear and crush it, because you are much stronger than fear itself. It is only an illusion. Breaking what was breaking me was one of the things I highly doubted I could do until it crushed me into rubble, but I refused to let myself keep thinking that way.
If I was able to crush that fear that I was so deep in, anyone can.