Sitting By The River

We took a trip today.

You talked, I listened. I smile because, you have no idea how lovely your mind is, or how many extraordinary colors bleed into your irises. Even the silence is nice with you, and it gives the birds time to share what they have to say.

I look over at you, and you smile. I knew what that smile meant before you had to say.

I fell in love with your smile, as I fall in love with you more each day.

At one point, everything felt frozen in time. A loop, a paradox of sweetness. 

I let you in, and in a sense; you are beginning to feel like home.
Advertisements

Imbalance

I wish I did not care about reality

I wish I could see what you can see

I am tired of feeling again

Even knowing that I am not alone

I wish I could love me like you love me

But I feel;

You are on your own

Unlock the doors that lead to my psyche

I will lead you to the complexity;

Of why I do not like me

There is a mad scientist in the dark;

Inside of my minds core

Mixing chemicals

Distorting dreams

Like a horror film;

Producing blood and gore

Inside of my soul is a fantasy

I dream my happiness;

reaching from sea to sea

Magic lingers inside of my inner walls

Light radiates;

But I see none at all

My optimism is a mask

My heart encourages others

There is a wise man on my back

Whispering;

Let your mind take cover

I am not careful

I am not blind

I wish that I could feel happy

Without leaving others behind

The Letter; 3/7/16

“I don’t blame anyone for anything that took place or took a toll on me, I blame myself. It’s really hard for me to explain the feelings I’m having, but they’ve been happening since middle school. It’s an emotional roller coaster, and I’m ready to slow down the ride, completely. I love you, whoever is reading this. I just couldn’t do anymore. I know you may be asking, “why”?..there’s too much detail, but I promise it’s not your fault. I just can’t find a reason for me to be here anymore, and that’s why I think that I just shouldn’t be.-”

 

The past paragraph was a suicide note I found in an old notebook tonight, I had actually temporarily forgotten about it. I’ve written about suicide before on my blog, but reading something like this that I wrote, vividly took me back into the moment that I had written it. Very, very personal post.

It all started in middle school, when I began feeling stupid and “weird” because I didn’t do too well academically, and I didn’t have too many friends at the beginning. I was having thoughts about death at 11 years old, even though I didn’t know shit about it yet. I suppressed the feeling, because I always felt like my parents were too busy with adult things, so over time I kept the habit of suppression.

In high school, I migrated into a school hours away from my friends (who are still my friends today, thanks guys) and the town was a mega culture shock. I always looked for outside acceptance, I made friends, but none of them were really “Friends”. I would speak sarcastically about suicide, just to turn my subconscious thoughts into humor (suppression). I wasn’t bullied or anything, so I always felt like there was nothing to talk about.

I graduated, moved back to my hometown, and things got really, really bad. I felt like there was a horde of leaches sucking at my brain, constantly giving me a sad feeling throughout the day. I didn’t tell anyone, because I didn’t want them to worry. I ignored myself, because I thought that I was already gone.

My mom called me one day, and after a normal conversation, she asked me what was wrong;

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, maybe that’s your problem?”

I hung up the phone, and began to have the first mental breakdown that lead to many, because I knew she was right. She still is.

No one besides few friends know about what happened within the time span of my depression in 2016, I’m even scared to write about it but I will, because there’s many out there who need some kind of encouragement.

After work, I would come home and take a Valium, very carelessly, because I did not give a fuck about myself or give a fuck if I died from taking too many. I wanted to sleep immediately, because I needed to shut my mind off for peace. I would lay in bed with my eyes closed until it made me fall asleep, battling why I shouldn’t off myself. It was always; “Too many people love me, I can’t hurt all of those people.”

When I came to realize that I wasn’t taking care of myself, and practically in the process of dying, I had an even bigger meltdown, moved home and began going to therapy. I stopped, because she told me I shouldn’t be with someone, and I knew that she was right. I knew that I second guessed myself, I knew that I was hurting myself, I knew that I was lying, I knew that I needed to talk. I just wouldn’t let myself. I’ve gotten better, but the dark feeling still lingers there.

Though, I know that it gets  better, life has it’s ups and downs, but that’s a different story.


 

I am happy that I didn’t finish the letter, and I am happy to be alive. I have many people that make me smile, and many things that I love. I could not bare the thought of my little sister walking past my room every day, wondering if she’s going to hear obnoxious music when she walks by. I didn’t want my parents to blame themselves, and I didn’t want my friends to think they could have done more. Life has it’s ruts, and I’m just working on being stronger to overcome them. I am happy I get to see smiling faces, hear music, and eat dinner with my family. The sky is my favorite thing in the entire universe, and each day I am happy to get to see the sun set. Life is worth living, it’s all about the experience, and it is truly a beautiful one.

Green Eyes

You became anxious, because you are afraid that you will begin to love me more. I can see the cigarette smoke leave your lips, before you step in the next room to light it. 

You begin telling me of childhood happenings, because I am interested, and you are feeling comfortable again.

The slate-gray color of your shirt brings out the green inside of your hazel eyes.

I can not tell if your hair grows fast, or if we have not encountered each other in centuries.

I think we keep revisiting the past because we do not want the present, or future to end.

I am happy that our faces are not red anymore, and our smiles give us a short, subtle, emotional release

“Who do you think you are?”

14355737_887062164759594_3582079513967846845_n

Moonrise Photography

I am a living being, just as equal as everyone else. I am a person that is significant to the universe, who sees that everyone else is too.

I seek out my own flaws unintentionally, and accept them as they are. I am a being on this earth that has “too much” love for it’s people. I am someone with good intention, who can not always recognize people without it.

I am someone who has felt incredible emotional pain, and has before felt nothing. I am a person who has stomped their feet, given up, and ended up with some broken bones. I have been a person, who did not want to be one anymore.

Though, I am a person who tries to see value in everything, who empathizes things until tears cover their pupils.

I am lost, along with many other minds. 

But, each second of the day, I am constantly trying to find what there is to be found, and I feel myself grow each day.

Things have changed, and I can finally be okay with breathing. I am Kaysie Lynn. I am me, here; in the now.