Voluntary Bystander

It keeps coming back, coming back, coming back, and coming back. Discouragement, self-doubt, and second guessing. Usually, I can find the source. Though, it doesn’t seem like there is one lately, but there has to be. I keep coming up with theories on why I am in bed relaxing, and then suddenly I feel that heavy weight on my chest, that I am sure many of you are familiar with. Meltdowns, all of the time recently, but only for five minutes max. Recently, I have been refusing to let myself have them by telling myself “not today”. Then, I begin to think if that is truly handling it. Can you tell the dark feeling to go away and it be beneficial to your mental health, mostly if you have no idea what is triggering it? It is pure torture trying to figure out why, why is this thing interrupting my day?

I keep coming up with theories, and the more I come up with; the less I want to try and think about it. Why is my ending thought always to give up? I don’t, but the thought is always there in a part of my brain that doesn’t seem conscious, something that isn’t me. I don’t want to talk about it much, because I feel like a broken record. I don’t want to seem like I am not trying to make progress, but how am I to make progress on something that I am unsure of it’s being? How do I stop my thoughts that lead me to not want to think anymore?

Friendship means everything to me, and it hurts me that I feel like I can’t talk about it to people that I have known for years. I appreciate the techniques and advice that is given, and I know that by the end of the day; It is me who is truly supposed to take care of it. The question is; what exactly am I taking care of? Am I even trying, mostly if I feel no permanent progress? I am very tired, and I have been. A part of me feels like I am trying, but a subconscious part of me begins to convince myself that I am not trying hard enough.

 

I am trying to get back into things that peek my interest, like writing and photography. I surround myself with people I love, even though the depression, or whatever it is, tries to convince me that it will be a bad time. Or that I will be a bad time. I catch myself with these thoughts, and I can shut them down now, but the feeling still lingers. My current theory is that I am disappointed with myself from still having these thoughts. Everyone around me is so beautiful, and intelligent. I admire the ones I love, and encourage them to do what they love. I am a voluntary bystander of other people’s growth, convinced that it is helping me grow.

Only I can stop it, but how? Analyzing, therapy, meditation, books?

I think that the most upsetting thing to me is that I can identify the feeling, but feel as if I can not stop it. I am scared that I will isolate myself, and not notice. I am scared that I will become distant, because it may begin to feel like what is right.

I am not sure what I am doing with this, I do not know at all. It is sort of embarrassing, expressing these thoughts. Though, if I can’t seem to do it verbally, I have a writing outlet

.Maybe that is my problem.

At this point, I am not even looking for a response. I’m just trying to get my head straight.

 

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