I have another theory.
I am continuously trying to be in a constant state of perfection.
I am not even walking towards my goal of filling in the once-unknown hole inside of my heart anymore. I am dragging myself. Dragging myself across miles of glass, cutting open my stomach.-my fingernails bleeding from digging my hands into the dirt, desperately trying to grasp onto whatever I think will fix me.
What is this hole? What is this hole that drugs, other people, and my own words can not seem to fill? Why is it there?
It is there because of what wasn’t.
I have so much love, too much love to share. The ones that I love make me happy, and out of all hearts to break; I can not have it be there’s.
I want to live freely. I am tired of trying to be something that I am told that I should be. So, now it seems like I am not that person, but I am also not who that person isn’t. I am lost now, now that I keep reminding myself that my personal expectations are based off of someone else’s.
Who am I trying to make proud, and why can’t I ever accomplish this goal?
The answer is in human nature. I was left without a presence, that has impacted my life in subconscious ways that kill me, over and over. Being without impacted what wasn’t there, which is highly confusing. Due to the realization that I can’t prove anything to someone who isn’t there, I gave up. Which has benefited me more than ever.
What was there, and is there, but really isn’t at the same time, is what I have a struggle with. What is there, I am never going to be good enough for.
This isn’t a pessimistic statement, I am just coming to a conclusion that I will never live to the expectations of whom, but there are many reasons why I should stop giving a damn either way.
What I also have to accept about this, is that the hole will still exist after I stop trying to live up to this persons expectations that I have made my own. The part of my life that I didn’t know that I longed for, will always not be there.
At first, this was frightening. Now, I think that the hole is only going to give me room for something else. Something much better.
I am now on a journey of accepting who others are, and figuring out my own expectations. Trying to be perfect, and trying to “fix” myself for someone else’s expectations, is a total waste of energy and happiness.
I am done hurting myself.