Take A Walk

hhhhhhh

I had a suicidal thought last night, but today is so much more beautiful. I observe the cotton wisps that float from tree-to-tree, and I can not help but inhale the undefinable scent of the blossoming forest.

The cliff I am standing on makes me imagine a long fall. Instead, I gazed and admired the water below me.
Having the decision of my own life and death in that moment made me feel more self-empowered.
Here, I am in my element.
Here, I am most vulnerable.
Here, I feel numerous things, but the feeling I love most is the feeling of being alive.

Seeking Kaysie


Whenever I find myself with waterfalls of tears, hot cheeks, and uneven breathing-I only want to feel like a person again, to take me out of the emotional paradox. I need something to remind me that I am here. I need something to prevent me from not being here. 

I have been tired of my own shit for so long, I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I think I lost myself screaming at the bottom of the staircase.

Seconds of Time

I remember that you would acquire bleach stains on each of your shirts.

You could never choose between blue, purple or pink.

Now we smoke cannabis;

and talk about how our parents used to drink.

We talked of childish things, and ate too much sugar.

Now, you are taking over the world-

and I am just trying to keep myself in it.

 

Fighting With My Psyche

All I wanted to do is run into the streets, but instead I was sitting on the roof top with my knees pulled to my chest.

All I wanted to do was run into the empty streets.

I was lonely.

In these moments, while fighting off whatever is attacking my emotions, it feels as if something is screaming at me-trying to make me feel like I am nothing.

I was smiling two hours ago.

This pesterous, dark entity that I keep trying to push away, why is it always there?

“Get out of me, or get me out of here–stop that, stop that right now.” I think to myself.

Sometimes I just feel too much, feeling lonely, then distressed knowing that I am in a sea of people.

I have reached a peak, but it is a very long fall.

The entity mocks me; “That’s right, wipe your eyes. Say you’re fine, we both know you are lying.”-

But I shouldn’t waste time.

Red Eyes

Red eyes

Red eyes 24/7

Red eyes before breakfast

Red eyes before bed

Red eyes

Inhaling smoke

Hybrids flourishing through my head

A habit formed from youth

A benefit of self-discovery

Though an aid in self-destruction

Red eyes;

Because I got lost

Red eyes;

Because of things I tried to suppress

Herb

Healing components

Red eyes

I am high-

Trying to forget

Retro Girl

I dream of a girl

In purple light

The one who dances inside of my head all night

On her knees

On top of the mattress-

extra plush

Her hair tosses side-to-side

I watch her laugh in slow motion

Her eyes low;

filled with emotion

I remember her monochrome underwear

and our pure youth back then

My hands were place on her curves

and her pearly whites were shown in a smile-

a mischievous grin

Oh, Retro Girl

Artsy college student at the bar-

Trying to sell out

 the piece of art that you are

Retro girl;

Sit in my purple light

Forget your sorrow

I can make you forget-

Night after night.

retro

The Light

I can not remember why, but I was close to ending myself. Last Spring, I had a night where i could not take it anymore. My other half was accross the country, my friends were not my friends, and I was sad because a sociopath could not love me. I missed my laughter, I missed life, so I called an angel up, and she drove me back home.

We filled ourselves with substances, and looked at each other with dead eyes, because we knew it was not right. We both had things we should not have had, but at least we had each other.

Some nights, I would cry. Some nights, she would cry too. We could not let go of what was bad at the time, but at least we held on to each other.

I fucked up, and stayed too close to the person who could not love me. I moved back to what I hated, and somehow thought it was for love.

For months, I was trapped inside of a dark room, locked inside as he stole my light-but I found the key.

After my escape, I lived on- but the darkness stayed. I kept pushing, pushing, and pushing it back, but it wanted me to break. I expected the darkness to stay inside of the room when I left, but I carried it with me. Wave after wave of depression kept knocking me down, and I swear to everything-I was about to let myself drown.

I stopped talking to people I loved, and i vowed to never trust the world. I did not believe in my progress, nor significance.

A stranger grabbed my hand, pulled me out of the water, and coached me to believe.

Things got brighter, but only sometimes. Still, that is better than never.

Not long ago, there were times of me reaching for the end of myself, but something inside of me knew better. The part of me that was no longer shackled, reminded me that it is not my time to die.

Now, I am taking an emotional step I convinced myself was impossible. I know that everythjng-everything is going to change. It is out of my control, but I think that it is the light getting stronger, and I am readying myself to accept it.