At the mark of 4:36pm, I wake up from a three hour nap. I lay still in my bed, knees to chest as I continue to tell myself I am going to get up, while it gradually gets darker outside. The spot of light projecting onto my heavy blankets slowly depletes as I remember my reason to nap in the first place.
What a cold, but beautiful morning it was. I love waking up to the person I love. I skipped the gym to get a coffee and soup with a friend, I even enjoyed the jazzy Christmas music in the Café.
When I return home, I sit in silence before receiving a phone call from a close friend. My main focus is typically others well-being in conversation, making me unprepared for his simple question of; “are you okay?”. Supposedly, I sounded “off”.
Of course I am, but I cried anyway, and explained that I only needed to push the anxiousness away in this moment, it serves no purpose.
I ended the phone call to have my four minutes of tears and began emerging into the thoughts of; “Maybe I am just on this earth to feel these things and educate.”
Maybe so, but I caught myself anyways. I will never let these feelings and thoughts consume my life ever again, but I have to acknowledge them.
The hard truth is, these are a variety of symptoms I live with, and must learn how to coexist with them.
Of course, panic strikes me when these emotions resurface. Though, I know that it is normal. Maybe not compared to other individuals lives, but my own. Maybe it does make me feel “strange” or look “strange” as an individual, but the important thing is that overall, aside from mental-illness-ick beyond my control, I am incredibly happy.