The Purge

I went to bed with a head ache last night, I don’t get those. I feel sick this morning. My body aches and feels hot, my stomach feels like I’m going to projectile vomit, and the heart palpitations started to occur around 9AM. I think that I cried so much, I made myself sick. I thought that was just a thing people said to get someone to shut the hell up.

For weeks, I’ve been feeling like I’m going to explode. I have been wanting someone just to talk to. It’s scary, because I have a number of friends. It just feels impossible to express myself verbally. It’s scary, because I am my own problem.

All sorts of subconscious thoughts resurfaced last night. I keep feeling as if I’m lonely, but I also see now that maybe a nervous breakdown by my lonesome would do some good. It started in the shower, I tried to stop, but then I decided it was time to face whatever I have been needing to. I’ve known that something is there, but I’m in dire need of a break. I need to stop blaming everything on myself, but I can’t help it, because things really do lead back to my subconscious at the core. So, it is me, right?

Now, I don’t even want to think about it. What do you do when you are your own problem? It’s nothing but anxiety. I try so hard to be social, be a good person, and look as good as I possibly can, and I have no idea why. I can’t tell if I’m handling things different, if I’m accomplishing anything, or if it will never go away. Maybe anxiety doesn’t go away, no matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself how well you are doing. Fuck talking to anyone about it, I sound washed up.

I don’t want to think like that. I want to know who I am again, or make amends with who I am now. Last night was an emotional purge, it’s the price that we pay to get better.

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