Sweater Weather

misty  We were there. There in the soft, cold sand. The wind coming from the Pacific was chilling with each gust, so you held me close. The mist made the ocean look untouchable, but we managed to get our feet wet.

There we were, holding hands and running again. Only this time, it was not raining, and we were not trapped in a small town.

This time, we ran into the beautiful unknown at our most desired location.

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Choosing Life

Two months ago, I had the guts to jump off of a bridge.

When I found myself at that point, the end, it ended there. I came to the point of noticing when I get frustrated with my sadness, I needed a different interpretation of it to stay alive, I was where I was in that time because of years of suppression, but sometimes the gray fog would decide to interrupt my day.

When you stop searching for an answer to an answer that is not there, you begin to accept. You begin to realize that sometimes, it is just chemical imbalances and neuro processors. The gray cloud “just is”.

Depression “just is”, and that is fine. You can recognize it being there without letting it consume you. 

“Easier said than done”, because enduring the pain allows you to be strong enough to learn from the transitions. Transitions into learning how to tell the gray cloud to fuck off. The pain gets so hard, you want to give up, but it does not have to be your life.

Instead of saying “fuck it” and ending it all, say “fuck it” and do everything you have been scared to do.  There are only high chances of gaining knowledge from doing so.

Now, I am facing fears. I ave climbed physical and mental mountains, chased waterfalls, and jumped off of a cliff.

The first step is so simple, allow yourself to feel. No matter the situation, there is nothing better than living. Even if it seems impossible, accept, and all of the things to heal you will come to you in unique ways.

Take the first step in what is best for you, choose life.

“The Getway” Album

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You are always off key, and I can not help but love it. You are always making me smile, and I know it will stay that way. I look over at you driving us in the rain. This is the third time we have listened to this album, but its getting us through North Dakota.

♡ I am so in love with you.

Lionsgate Visualization

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I am more vibrant looking within my visualizations during meditation. I would like to believe that it is a reflection of my inner, true self.

A frequency put me into the state of mind, and it stuck there. The “wom, wom, wom, wom” noises still in my ears. 

I picture a white room, with nothing but light. Light that I have the ability to manipulate and transform to my benefit. 

The Great War ; Coming Off Of The Drugs 7/14/17

Irritability turned into an irrational amount of rage, I don’t typically have rage.

Screaming to myself, and knocking things over turned into weeping on the kitchen floor.

“It’s not me, It’s not me.” I say to myself, both hands placed on the sides of my skull, fingers clawing at my own hair as I sank into my confusion.

It’s the pharmaceuticals leaving me, and I’m scared that this will be what it’s like without them.

“It won’t be, it’s not me…look at me!” I thought to myself.

They are just side effects.

“Hang on, it’s almost over.”, but it is a war. It is a war that I am winning. War isn’t beautiful, but you come out changed.

I will be, I am, I can’t control this one. Let it handle itself, hang on.

Where I disappeared To

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“Being helped is not being given a pill a day-hell, four pills a day. Being helped is finding deep-rooted issues and learning how to cope with them. If pills were the answer, I would still have a stash of xanax bars in my side-table drawer. Do not send me away by making my brain foggy. I am here, and would like to be in the first time in a long time. Show me care by talking to me, or you will never know how to help. Without that, how am I supposed that anyone will help me at all? Fuck, dude, the crazy people around me help me more than the people with a college degree who claim to know best. It is hard to believe that it is day two, and it is even harder to believe that it is only temporary.

I keep looking out of the window to view the courtyard. I have never had a stronger urge to smell the flowers.

Stop asking me how I feel. I want to be in this life, but this is not how I want this life to be. 

It is funny, being in a place of care that makes you realize that not everyone who says that they care, care. The fucking irony. The person who played a major role in causing this probably gave more of a shit about me.”

“The Bitch” of Loving Others

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Why is happiness such a hard gig?

I am tired of it all, I have said it before

Now it is becoming to sound like a reinstated opinion.

The moments when I am smiling, I know to take in and enjoy.

I find myself distancing myself.

Abandoning the many who create my circle of joy.

I am working on it, I promise.

I am making depression my bitch, but leaving bed is hard

and so is ignoring the massive dark matter that is knocking on my psyches door.

“The Process”; One Step At A Time

This is not coming from a doctor, medical student, or a school therapist; but from someone who is familiar.

I have told and have been told by others that “It’s a process.”

For a long time, I thought that “The Process” was defined as “life”.

Looking at life as a process itself is what makes depression more exhausting. You hit a certain point each time; your room gets messy, you are not hungry, everything seems useless, you think the world is better off without you, and you feel as if everything is no longer in your control.

Every time you pick yourself up but then fall back down, the desire to get back up again gets more exhausting each time.

So, “what’s the point” ?

If this is what “The Process” is doing to me down, how am I going to feel ten years from now?

Like I said before, you feel as if you have no control. It is true that a lot of things are going to happen because they are supposed to inevitably,  but it is in your control of learning how to handle it instead of dealing with it. Sometimes, “The Process” forces you to learn new ways of doing that.

There comes a day during your two year breakdown to where you find yourself blank-faced in front of your bathroom mirror, asking yourself; “why isn’t anything working?”

The pamphlets always say; ” find an outlet, eat more healthy, get better rest, ect.”.

Although these things can be helpful, they do not mention that finding the sources of your depression can help tremendously, more than any pill can help you.

If you are alive, things are working. You are trying, but sometimes you have to try something new.

“The Process” is learning how to live and heal through your depression.

“The Process” is learning how to break less bones each time you fall and get back up.

“The Process” is a part of life, not life itself.

“The Process” is your brain chemistry. not life itself.

Life is beautiful, and you will begin to learn to believe that once you begin to learn how to believe in yourself.

Life is beautiful, and you are partaking in it for a reason. Learn to be happy in this life, one step at a time.

Try beginning with a smile.

A Moment in Euphoria

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Life is so beautiful.
The world is filled with good and change.
Every breath is euphoric.
Every smile is a blessing in time.
Love is more than words, and never enough of them are said.
The stars are more than something to look at, admire them.
You are significant.
Life is beautiful, remember that.
Cherish every breeze as if it will be the very last you feel against your skin.
Notice the undeniable beauty in the sunrise.
In my eyes, there is beauty in living-
Feeling;
This life is amazing.

The Rain

rain

I hate this place, and you know that
But things can change-
Change is okay
You have shown me that
I wondered if it would be different,
but I made a commitment
While we held hands in the rain
Not every day will be as cloudy as this one
Times can always get blue
But tomorrow does not matter yet
This moment does
because I am smiling with you
A reminder-
I will make it through