Modern Princess

Smoke rings

and pretty things-

I observe around your room

Here;

Laying next to you

You look at me

I look at you

I can see the universe

Vibrating bright inside of you

I promise that what is mine;

Is yours

With you-

We can save the world

I promise this will be different

Time will pass

I will meet you on the other side

The side with the greener grass

Knees 

Further, and further into the forest; the old in me began to dust away. As part of me disappeared, I could see another in the distance. 

With each deep inhalation, I am more thankful for things being different now. 

These Daze. 

Moonlight Photography

I have caught myself spinning and dancing in this familiar, white room. The sun makes its way through the open windows, and the breeze allows my hair to tickle my nose. Nothing matters within thise few seconds of making my head spin. Work, depression, war, sexuality-nothing. 

“Why can’t it be like this all of the time?” It can, it can be.  Take the emotional step.

I haven’t cried in days, but part of me wants to. Not because I am sad, and not because I’m happy. 

Something is changing, but something that wants to rip this feeling away still lingers. 

I am smiling. I am smiling alone with myself. I am starting to remember days like this. 

I can’t tell if days like this have ever stopped, or if it were only a malfunction. 

For once, I am not overwhelmed. I am able to enjoy this moment, enjoy this life

In Nature

I have another theory.

I am continuously trying to be in a constant state of perfection.

I am not even walking towards my goal of filling in the once-unknown hole inside of my heart anymore. I am dragging myself. Dragging myself across miles of glass, cutting open my stomach.-my fingernails bleeding from digging my hands into the dirt, desperately trying to grasp onto whatever I think will fix me.

What is this hole? What is this hole that drugs, other people, and my own words can not seem to fill? Why is it there?

It is there because of what wasn’t. 

I have so much love, too much love to share. The ones that I love make me happy, and out of all hearts to break; I can not have it be there’s.

I want to live freely. I am tired of trying to be something that I am told that I should be. So, now it seems like I am not that person, but I am also not who that person isn’t. I am lost now, now that I keep reminding myself that my personal expectations are based off of someone else’s.

Who am I trying to make proud, and why can’t I ever accomplish this goal?

The answer is in human nature. I was left without a presence, that has impacted my life in subconscious ways that kill me, over and over. Being without impacted what wasn’t there, which is highly confusing. Due to the realization that I can’t prove anything to someone who isn’t there, I gave up. Which has benefited me more than ever.

What was there, and is there, but really isn’t at the same time, is what I have a struggle with. What is there, I am never going to be good enough for.

This isn’t a pessimistic statement, I am just coming to a conclusion that I will never live to the expectations of whom, but there are many reasons why I should stop giving a damn either way.

What I also have to accept about this, is that the hole will still exist after I stop trying to live up to this persons expectations that I have made my own. The part of my life that I didn’t know that I longed for, will always not be there.

At first, this was frightening. Now, I think that the hole is only going to give me room for something else. Something much better.

I am now on a journey of accepting who others are, and figuring out my own expectations. Trying to be perfect, and trying to “fix” myself for someone else’s expectations, is a total waste of energy and happiness.

I am done hurting myself.

Tanked

Sitting in silence, I close my eyes and find myself in an all-white space, a space with no walls. I can feel myself sitting on an uncomfortable, most-likely wooden chair. My eyeballs move, but my head sure does not. It feels as if someone is making me keep face-forward, as if I were about to be presented something important, perhaps even life-changing.  I sit there, and begin to ponder if the bond between the silence and I is getting stronger. The silence must be, because it is evoking me to write unsorted words.

Kaysie?” a voice echoes. “Are you there?”

I blink inside of my minds glass bubble, questioning where the loud knocking was coming from.

I am afraid that I am not. I am elsewhere, unsure of what is taking place. Is it pushing me aside, or am I allowing it to?

Whatever “it” may be, is exactly the point.

Cosmopolitan Has A “Side-chick” Seeking Her Happily Ever After. 

Cosmopolitan Has A “Side-chick” Seeking Her Happily Ever After. Cosmopolitan has an anonymous “side-chick” justifying her self claimed; lack of empathy. Typically, this wouldn’t be my style of writing. Today is different, and I would love for you all to take a look.

: In the first portion of the article, this “anonymous” woman that I will now call; “Jenny”, proudly claims that she is indeed, a “side-chick”. Jenny claims that she is cursed, and that she has no idea why she is drawn to “The taken”. She is also very quick to state the point that she is not a…*ehem*, slut.

Jenny explains to you that she is not more special, funnier, nor prettier than the mans main-chick. She openly explains her confessions to a close friend, and her therapist. Both of their explanations to her, she has described; “Cliche”.

In my opinion, the explanations; “Commitment issues” and “Deep-rooted insecurities” sound pretty valid to me, mostly after the previous paragraphs describing that she is no better than the mans girlfriend. Jenny also confesses the “ego boost” that she gets when a guy likes her enough to cheat on his girlfriend.

 

Jenny is convinced that love overcomes all obstacles, using the girlfriend as an example. Once she has the power to “overcome this obstacle”, she will end up with the man because he is “destined to be with her”.

At this point in reading the article, I began to think; “She’s so insecure, it’s kind of sad.” and actually empathized for her for a moment. I wanted to sit down and talk to her, help her uncover what made her the way she is today. I empathized for two seconds before I proceeded to read her next paragraph that somewhat sounded like she was bragging.

Empathy, gone.

Jenny admits that she is not an “uncaring” person, she just lacks the empathy that she should feel for the woman who’s partner she is sleeping with, and fantasizing of a relationship with. Jenny begins to feel sorry for herself;

“Sometimes, I think I’m cursed-I cheated on my first serious boyfriend, and occasionally I entertain the idea that karma is having a good old laugh at my expense, presenting unavailable men to me forever more.” In my opinion, Jenny, you are creating your own karma by only trying to feed off of the things that you can not have, and somehow thinking that continuing your ways will eventually make you happy with someone. A someone who will treat you fairly and never cheat on you, because you are not the one who deserves it, right? You don’t deserve it because, these men are supposed to be with you because they aren’t, right?

Jenny then begins to explain that eventually, things “fizzle out” once she realizes that she will always be second best, in her words.

“Then it’s on to the next shiny new already-someone’s-boyfriend, and so the vicious cycle continues.”

Okay, Jenny, Okay. What vicious cycle, again? The vicious cycle of your frustration because your “man” is busy with his girlfriend, meeting the parents and going on anniversary dates? The vicious cycle of you being oh-so clueless, to the point that you have no idea why you’re “different” in this sense? The vicious cycle of you listening to; “Blah, blah, more therapy talk”?

Or is it the viscous cycle of you taking part in destroying another woman’s love-life and emotions in general, you are “the other woman”, you are not the woman who was there first. It’s the viscous cycle of your insecurity, lack of empathy, and self-denial.

Jenny also has the audacity to close up her article; “-and so the vicious cycle continues. Until I find my happily ever after, of course.”

Poor Jenny, poor, poor Jenny, silly enough to think that a “happily ever after” will come from someone who is already in the middle of their own “happily every after”. Silly Jenny, thinking that she could never be replaced by an “other woman”, after all of the times she has been “the other woman”.

The saddest part of this article is that it has support, “relatable” comments, and is published by one of the most popular women’s magazines

What the fu- , Jenny.

Contrast 

The sky is purple

The grass gleams green

The contrast made it seem to me; 

I am suffocating 

I am no longer free-flowing 

My soul needs to breathe

My mind needs to heal 

I need time 

Time to configure the distortion

Between life;

And reality 

Classical Conditioning

I took a walk before entering my house, alone in the dark. My feet splashed in the puddles of the cracked sidewalks, and cars passed by as a reminder that most do not see my existence. During that moment, I was not paying attention to how alone I was. I was paying attention to the attempt to not be overwhelmed.

A man was standing on his dimmed-light porch, so I took a turn to avoid him.  I tried to keep walking, but I only wanted to fall to the ground.

I quickly made my way back home, passing two young kids that I wanted to embrace. I could not go inside, and let my family see the tears streaming down my face. So, I made it into my backyard.

It was raining harder now, as I leaned my back against my cold shed. I took my jacket off, even though it was getting cold, but at that moment I had no idea why. My knees got weaker, so I allowed myself to slide my back down until I was sitting on the pavement, letting the rain hit my face and bare arms. The conscious part of me was focusing on the raindrops, and how they were the only thing making me feel like a person.

Finally, I made it into my room swiftly. Right before doing something drastic, my mother interrupted my thought process. It did not go well, causing me to leave.

I allowed myself to scream like a banshee in the comfort of my carpeted car seat, letting all of the emotion I could not comprehend out at once. It seemed nonstop, and there seemed like there was nothing else that I could do.

I ran through the places that I could go for comfort, but they all were too far away. I thought of all of the people I could seek comfort in, but they all were too far away.

After the crying, there was a blank stare of mine through the windshield, only feeling alone now.

During this current moment, now; I am furious at the person that conditioned me to feel like I need someone “sane” to watch over me when I am upset, because I have no idea what I should feel.

Why I Thought That I Knew

I know that “what is”

Is

Because;

I have never been ideal at sorting

Through my millions of thoughts

 

The causes of my regret;

And probable mistakes

Are in fact the reason

For this mess that I have made

 

I think about you;

Day and Night

I love you more than your silhouette

That I can recognize

In the dark;

Or light

 

Right now I stand back;

I will not say a word

Again

Though;

I love you

The most that I can

 

Though;

It is my fault

That your hand is not mine

I can not suffocate you

But;

I will suffer in time

 

I will still get to see you grow;

But;

It will hurt watching in distance

 

You are no ones

I wish that I could know what “it is”

If I could have made it different

 

It would be easier

Because;

You know what is right

Tell me what to do

Because;

I am tired of this fight

 

With you;

I can conquer the world

But I must conquer the fear first

 

 

Dear Hopefulness,

I drove past, seeing you in front of the old brick building, smiling as you talked to your new-found sunshine. For years, I had hoped to be your first sunshine. Never before did I think I would even want to say; “hello” but, today was rough and things are different now. I parked around the block, rushing in the cold with only a light jacket, just to give you a surprise embrace. The last time I had hugged you, we both had tears in our eyes.

When I made it around the corner, passing one or two of the local shops; I was left standing in the middle of the sidewalk, in the middle of a town I have never had a desire to be in. I wanted to cry, feeling rejection.

I reminded myself, that it was not rejection. It was only a failed surprise. I think I was only disappointed because I did not get to see how you would have reacted.

Things are different now, so I know that you will be back;

Father.