This is not coming from a doctor, medical student, or a school therapist; but from someone who is familiar.
I have told and have been told by others that “It’s a process.”
For a long time, I thought that “The Process” was defined as “life”.
Looking at life as a process itself is what makes depression more exhausting. You hit a certain point each time; your room gets messy, you are not hungry, everything seems useless, you think the world is better off without you, and you feel as if everything is no longer in your control.
Every time you pick yourself up but then fall back down, the desire to get back up again gets more exhausting each time.
So, “what’s the point” ?
If this is what “The Process” is doing to me down, how am I going to feel ten years from now?
Like I said before, you feel as if you have no control. It is true that a lot of things are going to happen because they are supposed to inevitably, but it is in your control of learning how to handle it instead of dealing with it. Sometimes, “The Process” forces you to learn new ways of doing that.
There comes a day during your two year breakdown to where you find yourself blank-faced in front of your bathroom mirror, asking yourself; “why isn’t anything working?”
The pamphlets always say; ” find an outlet, eat more healthy, get better rest, ect.”.
Although these things can be helpful, they do not mention that finding the sources of your depression can help tremendously, more than any pill can help you.
If you are alive, things are working. You are trying, but sometimes you have to try something new.
“The Process” is learning how to live and heal through your depression.
“The Process” is learning how to break less bones each time you fall and get back up.
“The Process” is a part of life, not life itself.
“The Process” is your brain chemistry. not life itself.
Life is beautiful, and you will begin to learn to believe that once you begin to learn how to believe in yourself.
Life is beautiful, and you are partaking in it for a reason. Learn to be happy in this life, one step at a time.
Try beginning with a smile.
Life is so beautiful.
The world is filled with good and change.
Every breath is euphoric.
Every smile is a blessing in time.
Love is more than words, and never enough of them are said.
The stars are more than something to look at, admire them.
You are significant.
Life is beautiful, remember that.
Cherish every breeze as if it will be the very last you feel against your skin.
Notice the undeniable beauty in the sunrise.
In my eyes, there is beauty in living-
This life is amazing.
I hate this place, and you know that
But things can change-
Change is okay
You have shown me that
I wondered if it would be different,
but I made a commitment
While we held hands in the rain
Not every day will be as cloudy as this one
Times can always get blue
But tomorrow does not matter yet
This moment does
because I am smiling with you
I will make it through
Amazing, when you underestimate one of life’s 360’s. It is even more amazing when you learn to enjoy the way that you perceive them.
A persons eyes can tell you more than they want you to know. Tonight, I observed all of the new eyes in my life. Real and beautiful souls. I felt like family and I sensed belonging.
I chased fireflies and smiled more than I have in a long time.
I was able to forget for a night, in a good way.
It’s been a bad year and I have some problems
I had to write this down because;
I don’t know how to solve them
Inside of this garage
“High as fuck.”
Screaming at my demons
They want me to give up
Dad called me today
He had some shit to say
Apologizing for the alcohol
And not being here today
Learn to love
And live like no one else did
That you are not “some dumb kid”
The ones they talk about
The kids with problems
Push your fears back
And learn how to love them
So do we
It’s up to you to find
Exactly what you need
Reality is fabricated
Life is what you make it
Know that you are safe
You will no longer have to fake it
You will make it
You will make it, I promise
The sun is shining upon us
You are here
You are here for a reason
Do not give up on yourself
It’s the worst kind of treason
We are all connected
It’s never too late
Stand up and show it
Say “fuck it.” to self hate
I grew sour within the hour
I gained the time to hate myself
Getting high isn’t like getting high anymore
It’s not like seventeen
It’s not like getting high anymore
I’m not saying I’ll try anything more
I’m just low now
There’s a small orange bottle in my bottom drawer
I know how those things go
I want to be lower
I care too much to be
I had a suicidal thought last night, but today is so much more beautiful. I observe the cotton wisps that float from tree-to-tree, and I can not help but inhale the undefinable scent of the blossoming forest.
The cliff I am standing on makes me imagine a long fall. Instead, I gazed and admired the water below me.
Having the decision of my own life and death in that moment made me feel more self-empowered.
Here, I am in my element.
Here, I am most vulnerable.
Here, I feel numerous things, but the feeling I love most is the feeling of being alive.
Whenever I find myself with waterfalls of tears, hot cheeks, and uneven breathing-I only want to feel like a person again, to take me out of the emotional paradox. I need something to remind me that I am here. I need something to prevent me from not being here.
I have been tired of my own shit for so long, I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I think I lost myself screaming at the bottom of the staircase.
I remember that you would acquire bleach stains on each of your shirts.
You could never choose between blue, purple or pink.
Now we smoke cannabis;
and talk about how our parents used to drink.
We talked of childish things, and ate too much sugar.
Now, you are taking over the world-
and I am just trying to keep myself in it.